My Boyfriend Thinks I'm Being Dramatic

[*lee-lee*]

i've just started a gluten-free diet. every time i discuss food with DBF, he gets mad and accuses me of being dramatic and using my diagnosis to "wave a flag that says pay attention to me!" (obviously, his words.) he doesn't believe in cross-contamination and thinks that a few bread crumbs can't hurt. i've tried to explain it a million times but he just doesn't get it. he thinks i'm going to use it when it's convenient but then eat gluten when i want to.

i'm frustrated with the idea of preparing food at home that is safe, and the thought of eating outside the house terrifies me. i ordered a salad the other day and it came with croutons (i forgot to tell the waitress no croutons) and i just picked them off but of course there were crumbs left behind. there was no way i was going to ask for a new salad...he would have flipped out.

how do i convince him this is serious

and

how do i discreetly inquire about food preparation when dining out - at both restaurants and other peoples homes?

(let me also say DBF is usually very supportive...and he was when i was going through all the testing, etc. i guess he just doesn't understand.)

[ohsotired]

I don't personally have any advice, but I wanted to offer some support as I am dealing with the same thing.

I haven't even been diagnosed yet, but in trying to discuss this with my husband, I get the same type of response from him. He hasn't done all the research himself, and me telling him about it isn't good enough. It's just that he doesn't understand.

I'm sure you'll get some good suggestions (and maybe they'll help me too). I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

((HUGS))

[home-based-mom]

i've just started a gluten-free diet. every time i discuss food with DBF, he gets mad and accuses me of being dramatic and using my diagnosis to "wave a flag that says pay attention to me!" (obviously, his words.) he doesn't believe in cross-contamination and thinks that a few bread crumbs can't hurt. i've tried to explain it a million times but he just doesn't get it. he thinks i'm going to use it when it's convenient but then eat gluten when i want to.

i'm frustrated with the idea of preparing food at home that is safe, and the thought of eating outside the house terrifies me. i ordered a salad the other day and it came with croutons (i forgot to tell the waitress no croutons) and i just picked them off but of course there were crumbs left behind. there was no way i was going to ask for a new salad...he would have flipped out.

how do i convince him this is serious

and

how do i discreetly inquire about food preparation when dining out - at both restaurants and other peoples homes?

(let me also say DBF is usually very supportive...and he was when i was going through all the testing, etc. i guess he just doesn't understand.)

You aren't going to like this, but the way to convince him this is serious is to politely but firmly ask for a new salad. Picking the croutons off does not work ( another member used a Comet analogy - would you sprinkle Comet on the salad and then brush it off and go ahead and eat it?) and by doing so no matter what you say, you have shown your boy friend (in his mind anyway) that he's right and a few crumbs won't hurt.

Eating out may never be totally safe for you. You will have to assess the risks and consequences for yourself.

Many here on the forum have lamented that others in their lives won't listen to them, but will accept info from a total stranger. Your boyfriend sounds like he falls into this category, and if so, enter "gluten free diet + cross contamination" (without the quotes) into the search engine of your choice and let him read for awhile. You could also get some books from the library. Absolutely nowhere will either of you find anything that indicates that cc is anything but a serious issue.

You say that your boyfriend is usually supportive. That was probably because he didn't like to see you sick. However, he probably wanted a quick fix that did not inconvenience him. Being gluten free is for a life time and at times it is a major inconvenience.

It does, however get so much easier with time.

[GlutenGalAZ]

In my household it is just my husband and I ( I am gluten-free and he is not). We have our own counters that we use and we both clean up after ourselves. We each have our own Peanut Butter, Butter and Jam jars (I label mine "gluten-free" and or with a sticker). We also have our pantry separated I have shelves with my stuff and he does too then we have shelves with things we can both have.

In the beginning he was like oh that is not going to bother you but the more I talked him about it and read him posts and different information I found it started to sink in more with him. He is very supportive but just had a crumbs issue in the beginning. I still remind him off and on just b/c this is still new to us and takes a while to get into the habbits.

When I first started eating gluten free I had a problem giving up gluten and had it at least once a week knowing that I was going to have bad stomach problems so we weren't really that stick in the house with things in the beginning. But when it finally hit me and I knew I had to stop doing this and deal with this it did take some convincing to get my husband to understand I was not going to eat ANY gluten and we had to change things in the house.

He is very supportive. He eats gluten free dinners with me and likes them somtimes more than the gluten way (there are some he passes on haha). He has even given up my favorite gluten food, take out pizza for me till I can find a recipe that I like then he can have gluten-free pizza or get take out pizza. He also helps me out when others come over or we go to others houses for meals/events to help me watch out for cc problems.

Good Luck.

[Ridgewalker]

every time i discuss food with DBF, he gets mad and accuses me of being dramatic and using my diagnosis to "wave a flag that says pay attention to me!" (obviously, his words.)

(let me also say DBF is usually very supportive...and he was when i was going through all the testing, etc. i guess he just doesn't understand.)

Ouch. Well, I can tell you that my husband was extremely skeptical about cc at first as well. And he normally very supportive, as well. The thing is, it takes time for some people to "get it." For my husband, after he saw the results of in home cc a couple times (7 yr old son with uncontrollable diarrhea, and projectile vomitting for myself) that he realized I wasn't exaggerating or being paranoid.

Now he's totally on board- he's super careful about not double-dipping the butter knife, always cleans up his bread crumbs, etc. He rarely ever cooks wheat pasta anymore. He's not thrilled with that, but it's HARD, you know? You cook that stuff, and have boiling GLUTEN WATER splashing everywhere. He still has it once in awhile, but not as much, and is uber-careful.

As far as being discreet at restaurants... You don't have to be beligerant about it, but don't worry about being discreet. This is your health on the line! You MUST make sure the waiter/waitress gets what you're saying. If this includes talking to the chef as well, so be it and that's better yet!

If your salad comes out with croutons on it, send it back!!! You glutened yourself by eating that salad, sweetie. You have to be your own advocate. Nobody else is going to do it for you.

If you bf's steak comes out to him rare when he ordered well-done, would he have eaten it? Probably not, and that's just a taste preference. If you feel he'll flip out at a restaurant just because you send a salad back, then have a talk with him before you go out to eat again. There is no reason or excuse for him to flip out over you sending food back that you CAN'T EAT.

Hang in there!!!

[Lockheed]

Just tell him that eating even the crutons means you are not eating gluten free and that will TRIPLE your life insurance premiums. Yup.. they nailed me more for being a celiac and not gluten free for three years or longer than they did for DH's previous smoking and high cholesterol.

[ShayFL]

Ask him how he would feel about getting a little extra estrogen everyday in his body. If he bought a new aftershave lotion and discovered that he started growing boobies and such that the cream contained just "a little" estrogen in it. Would this bother him?

Also, please really think about this relationship. If he would "freak out" by you sending a salad back at a restaurant, what would he do if the baby threw up on the table someday at a restaurant? I am sure you love each other, but he needs to be compassionate to your needs if he is ever expected to show compassion elsewhere. You should be his number one.

The truth is that other people do not want to be inconvienced. No one does. But withe Celiac this is just a reality for the rest of your life. He needs to understand this.

If you were suddenly thrown into a wheelchair.....would he get upset every time you wanted to go out because he would have to push you?

I would personally ask him these types of questions. Better to know the truth now.

And just stick to your guns and protect yourself. Without your health, no relationship will be completely satisfying.

[fedora]

what bothers me is not that he does not understand about cc, doesn't know, doesn't believe, but that he would say to you, the one who HAS to live with this, "wave a flag that says pay attention to me!"

I have had symptoms for 23 years!!! AT times I did wonder, maybe it is in my head, maybe I am paying too much attention to my self, maybe it is to get attention. I cried when I found out there was a problem, but it was not one I made up.

Sadly, I know people who were in the hospital recovering when their spouses broke up with them. The spouse stayed while they were sick, but when they knew the person would be okay, they left. I would hate to think he was supportive just because you were sick and now you have an answer he does not have to be. Also as someone said, this affects him, it is not just you taking a pill. which all though is unfortunate for him, he needs to be mature about his feelings about that.

My hubby is not always the most supportive about things, but he knows better than to say something to me like that. I would not tolerate it.

I agree with what someone else said, if you eat cced food because he would freak out, then he is going to think you can eat it.

I also agree with googling gluten free diet and cross contimanation.

Honestly, what is more important to you, your health or how he reacts? If you say how he reacts then maybe you should investigate why.

[gfpaperdoll]

I hope that you learn that you are not responsible for another person's inadequate capabilities. I also hope that you learn right away that you can never convince someone of something - no matter how much you think you can or how hard you try. If that were the case all of our children & grandchildren that suffer from this gluten problem would be gluten-free.

I also, hope that you re-read your own post & strongly consider getting a new boyfriend. One that is going to fit the new energetic, wholesome, positive, happy, capable, self confident, independent YOU.

You deserve better & I wish it for you.

[purple]

All above are words of experience and wisdom. Please listen to them. If your BF doesn't take you and your health serious now then there will be issues later in this and other subjects as well. If he has a complete turn around and puts you first then his heart has softened. That's a good sign. You could become closer thru this. Could be that he is scared to tell you how he truly feels so the tough guy is showing. He must realize that this is a forever thing to deal with, with you and any future kids as well.

[irish daveyboy]

i've just started a gluten-free diet. every time i discuss food with DBF, he gets mad and accuses me of being dramatic and using my diagnosis to "wave a flag that says pay attention to me!" (obviously, his words.) he doesn't believe in cross-contamination and thinks that a few bread crumbs can't hurt. i've tried to explain it a million times but he just doesn't get it. he thinks i'm going to use it when it's convenient but then eat gluten when i want to..............how do i convince him this is serious

.

Hi,

let your DBF read this !

.

It's the criteria set down by the Food Safety Authority of Ireland to avoid cross-contamination,

when you read through it you'll realise what makes gluten-free food sooo expensive.

.

Open Original Shared Link

.

Best Regards,

David

[emcmaster]

I don't know what to tell you because if my husband told me I was just being dramatic or thought that I was using Celiac for convenience, we would not be married for long.

I'm really sorry your BF is not being supportive. Even if he was supportive with the testing, he's not being supportive now. The best way you can show him that CC is serious is by example. I'm sure he'll eventually come around.

My husband was dubious at first, as was I, when it came to CC. How can something I've eaten for so long affect me when it is almost microscopic? But it does, and he is probably more careful than I am when preparing food for me.

Good luck!

[ericjourney]

i_love_bread--

Starting out eating gluten-free can be difficult. You're definitely doing the right things, so stick with it.

A word of caution, though: for many celiacs, it takes months to heal intestines from the damage of gluten. A single incident of cross-contamination, such as eating salad that came in contact with croutons, can undo 60-90 days of careful dieting. Most celiacs are so sensitive that we ask for our baked potato to be delivered to us unopened, because we don't want a knife cutting it open if we don't know where that knife has been. Cross contamination is real; it makes us sick. Avoiding it is absolutely the hardest part of maintaining a gluten-free diet.

And there's no need to be discrete about your needs when you eat out. That guy at the next table certainly isn't being discrete about the fact that his steak is not cooked to his liking. I encourage you to inform your waiter, "I have an allergy to wheat and gluten called celiac disease." If your waiter knows about celiac, that's great. If not, please do me a favor and educate him about it. You're not the first person requesting a gluten-free meal at that restaurant, and you won't be the last. Keep in mind that gluten-free is a foreign idea to many people, so you'll have to remain vigilant. I can't tell you how many times I've informed a waiter, then later had him offer me other alternatives that contain wheat. Just be polite, "No, I can't eat brownies either because of my allergy. Thanks though."

About DBF...Remember that actions speak louder than words. Continue to ask for gluten-free food when you eat out. If a restaurant can't comply, I encourage you to take the difficult step of not eating while everyone else does. This will send DBF a strong message that you're serious about eating only gluten-free food, which means you're also serious about avoiding food that may be contaminated. I hope this will make it easier to convince him.

[munkee41182]

I haven't read through all the replies, but this brings back to this past weekend - My father moved meat all over the grill with a marinade isn't gluten-free, as well as corn, and my burger with the same utensil. The my mother blamed me for not telling them to stop (which I had already explained to them earlier that day and week to cook my burger completely separately from everything else) So I went inside to get foil for my burger to cook on when I saw my meat on the grill. I couldn't have stopped him because I stepped away. I was PO'd! I cried, again mom blamed me, my fiance and my father talked and my father thinks this whole thing is a cock of crap. This is the same father of mine who's mother, neice and sister all have celiac, as well as his Daughter. I finally told him to compare Celiac to my brother-in-laws seafood allergy. He could have a steak on the grill, where the same fish was previously grilled and have an allergic reation (severe reaction) even if it's been scrubbed 10,000x's. He still think it's a crock. So I told my parents that until they can learn to cook for me at their home, I will be bringing my own food, utensils, etc to their house to cook. It made my mother cry, (and I was probably a bit harsh) but it's my health. I'm taking control of it and I'm taking better care of myself even before I foolishly went off the diet a few years ago.

Can it be embarrassing asking for a new salad or meal at a restaurant...yes it can. When I was first diagnosed, that was where I had my first food breakdown. Is dealing with others, who although care and understand that you can get sick....but not 100% understand, a PITA (pain in the arse) - absolutely. But you just have to educate them as much as you can and be a bit understanding that it's also a learning process for them as well. My Fiance has health issues as well, he has to watch what he eats as well...but he can have his food cooked with breading, and can choose to scrape it off if he really doesn't want it. He doesn't understand that I can't do that. Learning about Celiac is probably going to be the biggest baby steps everyone will have to take to learn about this process.

Again, it's a learning process for everyone....and everyone involved needs to be understanding and willing to learn. The first chapter of "Idiots guide to gluten free living" that my fiance read was the cross contamination section. Which I think hit at home for him. He no longer drinks Jack Daniels, he's switching to Wild Turkey (I believe that's made from corn) so incase he kisses me when he's tipsy, he doesn't have to worry about cross contamination.

[jparsick84]

It's true that men seem to have a harder time understanding CC than women. My mother and grandmother got it MONTHS before my father, and my grandfather STILL doesn't get it.

The trick it to find an analogy that works for them. For example, my grandfather thinks that I can develop a tolerance to gluten, like people can do with poison (you know, a teeny bit each day to make the body immune to it). Since nearly every male in my family has diabetes, I told him it was like feeding a diabetic a spoonful of sugar each day - it won't do anything but make him sick. He nodded and I actually saw the light come on in his eyes! It was such a triumphant moment for me.

You do have to be your own advocate, both with waiters and DBF. CC is the toughest thing for non-Celiacs to understand. (Because, let's face it, if a diabetic gets a plate that had a piece of cheesecake on it, they're not going to get sick like us).

Some tips: For the time being, stick to restaurants that have gluten-free menus. They are generally more educated on gluten-free issues and when you tell your waiter you are ordering from the gluten-free menu they know to tell the chef to be super careful. When DBF sees you can be "normal", branch out to other restaurants that are inherently gluten-free, like Mexican and Thai.

Or you could just forgo eating out and learn to cook together. You can make him a gluten-free meal, serve it, and when he tells you how good it was, you can say "HA! It was gluten-free!"

Of course, if none of this works, you may want to think about finding a new boyfriend. You could always eat like he does, get sick, and then say "I told you so" but I really wouldn't recommend it.

Good luck!

[IMWalt]

(let me also say DBF is usually very supportive...and he was when i was going through all the testing, etc. i guess he just doesn't understand.)

My wife is somewhat the same. She is very supportive, since our daughter and I both have celiac. As an example, on Saturday I went to have some cottage cheese, and grabbed a plate that was sitting on the counter. There were some crumbs on it, and I was not sure if they were from the gluten-free toast I made, or the non-gluten-free that my son had. I decided to use it anyway. I am failry new to eating gluten-free and still experimenting a little. I wanted to see what would happen. Sunday AM I had the worst D I have had since staring gluten-free. My wife said "it could not have been the crumbs. You won't react from that little amount". I suppose it could be a coincidence, but I know everything else I had that day was fine. I have discovered that the longer I am gluten-free, the more I am effected when I do get some gluten.

Walt

[aikiducky]

It could absolutely have been the crumbs. Much less than that can give you a reaction! Otherwise we really wouldn't have to worry so much about cross contamination.

Pauliina

[Lillian]

i've just started a gluten-free diet. every time i discuss food with DBF, he gets mad and accuses me of being dramatic and using my diagnosis to "wave a flag that says pay attention to me!" (obviously, his words.) he doesn't believe in cross-contamination and thinks that a few bread crumbs can't hurt. i've tried to explain it a million times but he just doesn't get it. he thinks i'm going to use it when it's convenient but then eat gluten when i want to.

i'm frustrated with the idea of preparing food at home that is safe, and the thought of eating outside the house terrifies me. i ordered a salad the other day and it came with croutons (i forgot to tell the waitress no croutons) and i just picked them off but of course there were crumbs left behind. there was no way i was going to ask for a new salad...he would have flipped out.

how do i convince him this is serious

and

how do i discreetly inquire about food preparation when dining out - at both restaurants and other peoples homes?

(let me also say DBF is usually very supportive...and he was when i was going through all the testing, etc. i guess he just doesn't understand.)

[Lillian]

To I love bread,

Hold on a minute! You are not being dramatic. But, having been a celiac and gluten free for 3 years now, or at least as much as I can control, it is our job to have a little patience and educate our loved ones. Just think: you are used to living with your pains, worries, and anxiety about what's going on in your body. They are not! So the whole idea here is about giving information and educating those around you. You don't need excuses- just let them know that now that you have a diagnosis, you'd be silly to keep hurting your body any longer. Nobody wants to see you sick! That is, if they love you!

I took time to educate myself, my husband, kids, family, and friends. This is not easy and it takes time. You'll be fine, believe me and it's O.K. to ask for support while you're trying to figure it all out. They don't need to be judgmental. You take this seriously, and so will they. Your boyfriend is just a little scared and insecure with this right now and as you get used to the gluten free life style and he sees that you feel great, he will understand and be even happier with you and for you. I know all about the mood swings and the times I felt sorry for myself, but for what? You can eat anything, just gluten free. Check your grocery store for classes, see a nutritionist that specializes in this, and take good care of yourself. Invest a little money on a couple good books and carry them with you until you thoroughly understand your digestive system, what affects you, and how you feel. Right now, money should not be an object. Nutritionists cost, but pay now or pay later. You will do great! I know! Lillian

[*lee-lee*]

thank you so much to everyone for your supportive replies, suggestions and thoughts.

i promise i will never eat a salad after brushing the croutons off ever again.

a little background on mine and DBF's situation...we just moved to a new town after living apart for 9 weeks due to his job. long story short, the job isn't working out and we will be moving to yet another town in a few weeks to be closer to all our families while we search for new jobs. so needless to say, things have been a bit stressful for some time now.

i was able to sit him down and explain things from my perspective. i used Shay's estrogen analogy and i could almost see the light bulb clicking on above his head! i think he's starting to understand...i even saw him flipping though my Gluten-Free Living for Dummies book last night! (he's not real big on reading so it's pretty major step in the right direction as far as i'm concerned.)

i realize some people who read my original post may think he's a total jerk and i should dump him as quick as i can but i don't agree. i've been in relationships where i was treated poorly and this isn't one of them. as i said, he's always been supportive and i think his reaction was a combination of his own stress and lack of knowledge about the disease.

i cooked a totally gluten free meal last night (spaghetti & meatballs) - he loved it! he said the pasta was better than the regular stuff, to which i agreed. i'm not much of a chef and i can't wait to make more delicious gluten-free meals that he can rave about.

again, thank you for your replies. it's nice to know i'm not alone in this.

[souzahanson]

i've just started a gluten-free diet. every time i discuss food with DBF, he gets mad and accuses me of being dramatic and using my diagnosis to "wave a flag that says pay attention to me!" (obviously, his words.) he doesn't believe in cross-contamination and thinks that a few bread crumbs can't hurt. i've tried to explain it a million times but he just doesn't get it. he thinks i'm going to use it when it's convenient but then eat gluten when i want to.

i'm frustrated with the idea of preparing food at home that is safe, and the thought of eating outside the house terrifies me. i ordered a salad the other day and it came with croutons (i forgot to tell the waitress no croutons) and i just picked them off but of course there were crumbs left behind. there was no way i was going to ask for a new salad...he would have flipped out.

how do i convince him this is serious

and

how do i discreetly inquire about food preparation when dining out - at both restaurants and other peoples homes?

(let me also say DBF is usually very supportive...and he was when i was going through all the testing, etc. i guess he just doesn't understand.)

I'm probably extremely lucky when compared to most. When I was diagnosed with celiac my wife went gluten free at the same time I did. No cross contamination in my household, now that is support from the one you love AND THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU!!!!!!!

I personally don't eat out anymore because CC is going to happen. I work in a hospital and I know CC happens even if you are suppose to be gluten free. I've been considering opening an "allergen free restaurant" in the Denver area. What I mean by allergen free is removing to top eight allergens, which includes wheat/gluten. Probably just a dream, but wouldn't it be awesome to have a SAFE place to eat out.

[CeliacAlli]

To begin with, he should read someone elses thoughts to know that its not you. I am just a teen but I too know how you feel. I have friends who say why dont you just pick it off, well I will tell you why. I dont feel like being sick for the next ten days. As a little girl in elementary school I was curious so I took a goldfish cracker off someones desk and ate it, a few hours later my stomach was extended hugely and i was violently ill for 10 days! No one wants to feel like that and he needs to understand. Although you may not get ill, it still hurts your intestine and you may not feel good.

[debmidge]

i've just started a gluten-free diet. every time i discuss food with DBF, he gets mad and accuses me of being dramatic and using my diagnosis to "wave a flag that says pay attention to me!" (obviously, his words.) he doesn't believe in cross-contamination and thinks that a few bread crumbs can't hurt. i've tried to explain it a million times but he just doesn't get it. he thinks i'm going to use it when it's convenient but then eat gluten when i want to.

i'm frustrated with the idea of preparing food at home that is safe, and the thought of eating outside the house terrifies me. i ordered a salad the other day and it came with croutons (i forgot to tell the waitress no croutons) and i just picked them off but of course there were crumbs left behind. there was no way i was going to ask for a new salad...he would have flipped out.

how do i convince him this is serious

and

how do i discreetly inquire about food preparation when dining out - at both restaurants and other peoples homes?

(let me also say DBF is usually very supportive...and he was when i was going through all the testing, etc. i guess he just doesn't understand.)

Ok I have a suggestion..but it's kind of silly and gross ....but try it this way.....next time you are cooking something he is going to consume, lead him to believe that you went to the bathroom ( #2) and didn't wash your hands. Most people will be freaked out by that - that's cross contamination in its purest sense.

[*lee-lee*]

ha ha Debmidge, that's a good suggestion! Fortunately though i think he's finally starting to understand so i hope i won't have to use that gross (but probably effective) comparison