I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon,
a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.



Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,
.
‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET LONG UP MY BEHIND!
.
.
I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’
which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that
.
we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day;
all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
For those unfamiliar with the metric system a litre is about 32 gallons. (or so it seemed)



Then you have to drink the whole jug.
This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind –
like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor,
states that after you drink it, ‘a loose watery bowel movement may result.’
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.
.
I don’t want to be too graphic here, but – have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
.
You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything.
.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty,
.
you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell,
.
.
.
your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.



The next day a friend drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.
Not only was I worried about the procedure,
but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, ‘what if I spurt on Andy?’
How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed
with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space
and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts,
the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.



Than a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vain in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in the MoviPrep.
.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this,
but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
.
so you were staggering around in Full Fire Hose Mode.
.
You would have no choice but to burn down your house. (Think: Shuttle Lift-off)



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.
I did not see the 17,000 foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,
and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA
I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure,
‘Dancing Queen’ has to be the least appropriate.



‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
because I am going to tell you in explicit detail exactly what it was like.
.
.
.
.
.
I have no idea. I slept thought it.
.
One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’
and the next moment I was back in the other room, walking up in a very mellow mood.
.
Andy looking down at me and asking me how I felt, I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over,
and that my colon had passed with flying colors.
.
I have never been prouder of my internal organ as I was then.



About the writer: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
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This was soooooooo funny ! ! ! !

Thanks for posting !

Those gowns, paper or cloth, DO make you feel more naked than if you were really naked! I feel so vulnerable. I've been more comfortable in a public bath house in a foreign country where I was the only caucasian than in one of those! I should have known that it would be Dave Barry writing that. He's funny.

Oh how timely. I have a colonoscopy scheduled for the 28th of this month (never had one before).

I was already freaked out about it........and now............


I did actually laugh out loud while reading this though. Glad there's a humorous side to it.

That was a riot. You might as well laugh at these types of things......it beats crying.

"your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
that you have not even eaten yet."

Oh yeah! That was hilarious! Yep--we may as well laugh.....

lol oh man I couldn't stop laughing out loud while reading that because it's all true. I wish I had known what to really expect from that nasty jug before I went through it all. I had my endo and colonoscopy on the same day, and I am so thankful I don't remember a single thing from the actual procedure. The prep was horrible, and I will never forget that faint lemon-lime salt water taste ever

Mine was orange flavored and it was a while before I could look an orange in the eye again

I got pills. I'm in Ct though, maybe they have different stuff up here. And my lovely, silly mother decided that she had been constipated for too long and took a laxative the same day I was doing my prep for the colonoscopy. Nice job, Ma. We were both dancing around the bathroom holding our butts half the day.

And I REMEMBER my procedure. I guess the amnesiac effect the drugs are supposed to have didn't work on me. The nurses were laughing at me cuz I was so stoned though. Man, they inject that stuff in the Iv and three seconds later WHooooo!!!!! I didn't care what they were doing to me really, I was having a blast. Except for when you have to swallow that tube, no fun. I do remember watching them take biospies of my insides on that screen. That was interesting.

Omg, LOL - that was great

I had a colonoscopy on Tuesday, so that definitely gave me a good laugh. Unfortunately I had to do a few enema's(and didn't get to drink anything, which I would have rathered!) and they didn't give me enough of the verced (the twilight anesthesia) because I rememberparts of the procedure (soooo UNcool) but they did hook me up with a good cocktail, so I was feeling pretty good

p.s. JNBunnie1, I hear you about watching it on the screen, that part was kind of cool